As long as there’s unsolicited advice, good intentions, cluelessness and insensitivity… as long as we are required as a human race to interact with one another, there’s bound to be angst. And as I’ve discussed before, when it comes to Motherhood, everyone has an opinion. Because everyone’s either had a mother, knows a mother, or is a mother.
Which is why there’s heaps of pregnancy/new mother blogs which dedicate at least one post to a Top 10 list on Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman. Even I had started a draft (but abandoned it because really, I haven’t had too many colossally silly things said to me yet so I’d just be rehashing someone else’s material.) And these lists are all valid, because people do say the darndest things without thinking. Read another one today forwarded by ElilyMommy, and #10 has got to be one of the funniest horrible things to say to a woman who’s just given birth. I’d give any woman Godiva chocolates for decking the clod that said it first.
HOWEVER… there is a HOWEVER…
Pregnant women and n00b Moms are equally guilty of saying and doing obnoxious things. We can be equally insensitive and clueless, equally self-absorbed and hurtful. People CAN want to throw things at us that aren’t compliments. It’s probably slightly worse for them actually, for while we seem to get away with crazy hormonal outbursts “because of our condition”, it’s rather un-PC to seethe at pregnant women and babies.
So. Here’s my list of top things not to say/do as a new mother.
1. Insist others share in your joy. Literally.
A friend once hopped online and without much preamble, insisted that Tony and I started spawning because “it’s just the best thing you can do – giving life! It’s so beautiful! Nothing beats it!” etc etc. He was bubbling over with excitement because he was a new dad. Which is lovely to watch. But by the nth hyperbole on how “there’s nothing like it” and I was “missing out”, I was starting to feel like he believed Tony and I could never imagine real happiness as a family until we had children. Which is just unfair and untrue.
Takeaway: Parenthood isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t for everyone right this minute. So remember that.
2. Jump on the baby express and get tunnel vision
I am getting very guilty of this, because I’m starting to become The Most boring conversationalist – if you’re not interested in the whole baby thang. Remember the life you had before you fell pregnant, and don’t knock it. There are people in your life who share that version of you, and you have to remember that they won’t all know or care about the pregnancy or the new bub. As much as they love you.
Takeaway: Step away from the baby stuff every so often and be generous. You ARE capable of being interested in others, and what’s going on in their lives and in the world at large.
3. Information overshare
Related to the previous point, although in this instance I refer more to the delightful way pregnant women and mothers seem to delve into the gory details. We’re talking blood and mucus and puke and vaginal secretions and tearing and stitching and piles and poo and pee and breasts engorging and nipples cracking and stretch marks and flatulence and constipation and nausea and vomiting…
Get my drift?
It’s like a filter has been removed, and suddenly we lose our mystery. The men don’t like it. Non-pregnant women don’t like it. And who can blame them? Because when you play it all back with your pre-pregnant ears on, it’s not elegant dinner conversation, is it.
Takeaway: You may have changed, but the audience around you probably hasn’t. Don’t gross out your friends and colleagues, because you may need them for babysitting later.
4. Expect congratulations
It’s quite arrogant really, but I think as expecting or new mothers, we suffer from a serious entitlement complex because we get majorly offended and hurt when the receipt of our happy news is muted at best, or even hostile. We stand there with our fancy baby announcement, tap-tapping our foot for the inevitable avalanche of gushing, and are gobsmacked if someone had the temerity to say something snide or – worse – be completely indifferent. Especially if they’re people we like.
The thing is, having babies ISN’T everyone’s cup of tea and some people really aren’t excited about them. Alternatively, your baby news might be the very last straw for someone who’s been trying for AGES while you just tripped over a door stop and fell pregnant.
Takeaway: While this joyous time is all about you, it also isn’t always all about you. Profound, huh.
5. Offer unsolicited advice
Just as it’s annoying for someone to tell us how good parenting ought to be, it’s annoying to be given unsolicited advice about labour, fertility, the importance of getting married/getting a job first/getting a house first before starting a family… you name it. There always is some sort of weird pecking order in the world, and being pregnant or becoming a new mum sometimes gives us the illusion that we now have the right to tell someone else how things ought to be done.
Now, I’m not saying there is never a place and time for good advice. But providing a listening ear and an open heart is probably heaps more helpful than shoving our newfound opinions and experience down their throats.
Takeaways: “Pay it forward” isn’t always a great policy. Make it about what they need, and not about you feeling needed.
And remember: don’t be a dummy. Be a yummy mummy. <cheesey wink>
18 January 2011 at 6:32 pm
great post, and so true – we get bombarded with so many books, magazines, media, friends and family telling us that it IS all about us that you do develop tunnel vision at points and start believing it! must be hard for the partners in our life as well, they deserve a bit of recognition and special treatment too
i’m making a concertd effort NO to talk about pregnancy/babies with people unless they ask first, and even then, keep it to a minimum. if i want to talk pregnancy i can do it on my blog (or read about it ,thanks velle!)
18 January 2011 at 8:34 pm
Good tip about waiting till they ask first. And it takes more imagination nowadays to think about what to say about myself, that doesn’t have to do with Gummy in the tummy. I fear I’m losing my identity already. And yes, blogging is a great way to channel all that maternal energy that’s come out of nowhere.
We will endeavour not to bore our friends! Yes we can!
7 February 2011 at 1:04 pm
Velle, honestly, this is THE most brilliant post on pregnancy I have ever read! I’ve totally experienced (1) and wanted to hit the guy who said it on the head, and wouldn’t done so had he not been in a country far, far away! Honestly, you’ve said, very eloquently, things that have been on my mind for a long time – to be completely honest, I’m happy for friends who tell me they’re pregnant – if they’ve been wanting a baby, that is – but I’m not one who’s able to gush for too long mainly because I’ve never felt particularly maternal myself and I don’t really want a baby. Ever. I just feel, as you’ve written, that it’s right for some people and it’s just not for others and I fall into the latter category. I have a number of reason for my decision, including over-population, the state of today’s kids the world-over and primarily, I don’t feel the urge/need to have a child and have other priorities in life. I don’t diss those who have or want to have children, but I only ask not to be told that I’m missing out on the world’s best thing (my answer to that usually is – well if I have one and find out that it’s Not the world’s best thing, I won’t be able to put it back again, will I?!)etc etc because I’m quite happy with my life the way it is! Phew. Sorry – this topic makes me mad coz people just can’t seem to leave others alone! In fact the other day, Ewan and I were discussing all our friends who’re having baby after baby and whose immediate response upon being told that we just got a second dog is – but dogs are expensive! Like they haven’t realised that dogs don’t need clothes, prams, uni educations etc etc! geez!
anywho, that’s my rant for today – I just really wanted to say that I loved yr post and that you’re my first pregnant friend who’s actually said something in this vein!
7 February 2011 at 6:21 pm
Pri, I’m truly humbled. Lovely when someone appreciates your thoughts! And I hear you, girl! I’m not a maternal girl, not naturally anyway. I tolerate most children, like some more than others, and love very few. And I guess I wanted to remember all those things I told myself never to do, should I ever fall pregnant. So here it is.
19 September 2011 at 9:54 am
Happy to keep you in touch with your pre-mummy self … ;-)