So this has been my morning.
After receiving some discouragement about my mothering methods last night, I spent the greater part of this morning battling with Arddun during breakfast when usually, it’s our favourite time of the day together. And then she got down from her highchair, crawled for a bit, slipped while getting up to stand, fell, hit her face and got a nosebleed.
Yes. My baby got blood.
And so I’m sitting here feeling frustrated, relieved, and annoyed in equal measure. Relieved that her nosebleed turned out to be nothing serious, frustrated that the morning wasn’t handled as well as I’d hoped, and annoyed that I had allowed some well-intentioned advice to get in the way of my momfidence.
Like all other parenting books and theory, I have a love-hate relationship with the Growing Kids God’s Way series – mostly because I’m suspicious of anything that tries to reduce the art of parenting into a paltry science. I’m particularly torn about the GKGW series because of its clever branding – I mean, as a Christian, how does one feel good about NOT growing a kid “God’s way”? And yet, I have enough marketing savvy to know that the GKGW series doesn’t have the monopoly on godly parenting any more than Woolies has the monopoly on fresh food. And yet, like a sucker, I wonder anyway.
I’m mostly annoyed with myself because I lack major mommy mojo. I’m so completely new at this still, that I can feel myself clutching at most advice and pitching one against the other in epic court battles conducted only in my brain, so I emerge resentful and unsure of my instincts. This morning’s breakfast skirmish had all to do with how Arddun communicates that she’s done with a particular food item – in that she tends to clear her tray table by dropping what she’s had enough of outside of her tray. Messy? Yes. But she’s communicating and at this stage, I’m more interested in nurturing a healthy attitude towards food and self-feeding than I am about this particular table manner. Other manners and social expectations are being taught at the moment. The dropping of food is not our current priority, and has never bothered me.
Until it was brought up as an absolute no-no by another mother.
On hindsight, I wonder why I felt compelled this morning to rid Arddun of this seemingly appalling habit of communicating her preferences just because another mother said I should. As it is, we teach very different feeding habits to our babies – she spoon-feeds her baby completely until nigh age, while Arddun has been feeding herself since 5.5 months. And both of us are going to reach a stage of change over – where she will have to teach her baby to feed herself, while I will have to teach Arddun to keep food in her bowl or on her tray. In the calm of the morning, I can see this. But last night, I went home doubting everything I’d been doing since day dot – all because I had been in the company of women who chose to feed their children differently.
Anyhoo… I still haven’t decided if it’s time for a change with Arddun’s feeding habits. And don’t get me wrong – like all parenting books and theories, GKGW has some fabulous tips and tricks which I fully intend to tap into. But it isn’t parenting gospel, despite its catchy brand. And parenting is an art, and not a science. And I’m going to stop blogging so I can hug my child, kiss her sore nose, and then let her have some quiet time in her play pen. Without a kitchen timer telling us when to stop.
4 May 2012 at 10:09 am
Oh Velle. Big hugs to you. Please remember … yes, we DO all parent differently and we will all get something different from the parenting advice books/series etc. I didn’t have a playpen and never used a timer either. I didn’t let my child learn to drink from a sippy cup in the bath. I don’t do the RFR much, if at all. Please don’t be discouraged coz you don’t do everything they say to do … we didn’t / don’t and things are going just fine (I think!). Like you said … pick, choose, decide for yourself, have confidence in yourself as a Mum. You are a beautiful, loving, caring Mum, and Arddun is thriving!!!!!!!!!
4 May 2012 at 10:48 pm
Thanks, Liz! Your encouragement really means a lot to me – especially since you coordinate GEMS! I’m just continually amazed at how difficult it is to find the inner calm about choices I’m making with Arddun. Such a process.
4 May 2012 at 10:46 am
mum and dad used to put andrea and myself on mahjong paper to doodle all we ever wanted.
mum and dad allowed me to eat my chicken wings while the other kids were “socializing” by running around during meal times.
mum and dad gave me my 2 bottles of milk,when other kids were having the standard 1.
mum and dad supported me to go into design when the ideal kid in singapore should study something else which brings the $$$.
and i think they did all these without following the “ideal way of bringiing up kids” they just gave andrea and i space to grow, to be ourselves and still is very supportive of our own dreams and who we want to be.
You are a great mom, cheh. :) Arddun’s gonna be a wonderful wonderful girl. :)
4 May 2012 at 10:49 pm
Thanks, Shawn! Yes – you and Andrea just continue to amaze me with your faith in God and your big, kind hearts. The mahjong paper idea sounds very cool, btw. Shall steal it for when Arddun is old enough to wield fat crayons. Look out!
4 May 2012 at 4:05 pm
Hi Velle,
Just want to give you a big hug. And at the same time I’m glad for you because it’s really a huge thing to be asking the question what compelled me to go with that particular idea in my mothering, why did I get carried away with that. Love your God-honouring gift of grace to Arddun and yourself in seeing these things, giving hugs to that gorgeous girl, and growing discerment in yourself…really cool stuff, Velle!
4 May 2012 at 10:52 pm
Hi Michelle! Thanks sooo much for your encouragement. And yes – so much of parenting is about grace, isn’t it. I’m sure I’ll have similar freak-outs in the future, but it’s heartening to know that God’s parenting style includes a loooot of grace.
4 May 2012 at 10:25 pm
I read books on babies and parenting before you were born and when you came along I didn’t read anymore because I decided to use only those advice that I felt was applicable to unique you. You didn’t turn out badly, did you?
4 May 2012 at 10:56 pm
Well, too early to tell about whether I turned out badly or not, heh heh heh! I still feel like a child bringing up a child, some days. I think my main difficulty is that I take all advice as personal criticism (advice given because current operational procedure is disastrous and will brattify my daughter.) It’s hard for me to decide that some advice, in our context, is just not going to work because the advice is BAD. There’s always a small voice in my head going, “Yeah… but what if you’re wrong?”
Kiasu, lah. What to do?